Marriage Tip #1

I'm so grateful to be married. I can't get over how blessed I am to walk through life with my best friend. Life is definitely better with the right someone (sidenote: if the right person hasn't come into your life yet, hang in there, and you can still benefit from reading further. I've been where you are, had lots of talks with God, and know what you're going through. I just wanted to say I'm not trying to be insensitive to your situation). With that being said, marriage is not easy. The "honey-moon" feel has long since worn off and there are days where it takes work, plain and simple. All the married couples reading this are nodding their heads in agreement, I guarantee it. If not, you've not been married very long and you'll get to the point where you'll agree with me eventually.

You'll hear it said that the most important component in a good marriage is communication. "Time out! Shouldn't God be the most important component of any marriage?!" I'm assuming we have already established God as the most integral part of any marriage. Similarly to how the Bible is consistently the New York Times bestselling book coming in at #1. Every. Single. Time. Because of that consistent fact, they've stopped reporting the Bible as the number one bestseller because it is a given. Back on track now: I don't know who said it, but they're right, you know, about the whole communication thing! The tricky part comes in when what you think you're saying isn't what your spouse is hearing (can I get an amen?). No matter how clearly you articulate your side of the argument your spouse still just doesn't seem to get it. If you're like me you may even begin to get wise to this fact ahead of time and try saying it a couple of different ways, just in case the first way didn't carry your point home. Still, sometimes even that tactic doesn't work. So now what? We're both frustrated, convinced we're right, and are hitting our communication glass-ceiling.

Then in comes the art of analogy! Using analogies to communicate was a strategy my wife and I recently discovered which really helped us through a communication tangle. We're still new to using it so I can't guarantee it will work every time or if it will work for every couple. Still, give it a try sometime, or tuck it into your marriage tips 'toolbag' for use at a later time.

 I found it extremely helpful right up front to ask who was who in the analogy so it could be unpacked with greater clarity. At first I was pretty skeptical using an analogy would be of much benefit. After identifying who my character was in the analogy, I was able to communicate deeper feelings and messages using the character from the analogy that resonated with both my spouse, and me. Think something along the lines of, "Oh yeah, that is what I meant to say, but I didn't even realize that is what I meant until now." Second, the analogy helps to create a shield around both parties. You know which character in the analogy is you, but because it's an analogy and therefore not real, you have enough separation to see yourself and the situation in an objective light. You can talk about the character in the analogy as if you're talking about a third-party which can be very enlightening for both parties. Finally, I would suggest bringing closure to using the analogy to communicate with your spouse by identifying yourself using "I" statements to connect with the analogy. In this way you're making a personal identification which has previously been unspoken, but using "I" statements to bring closure helps both parties to identify and take ownership of what is their responsibility.

As I said earlier, we're still new at using this type of communication with each other, but I'm looking forward to using it in the future to help open deeper opportunities to communicate with my spouse. Both to hear and to be heard. What are tips or suggestions you've found that have worked well for you and your spouse when it comes to improving your communication? Please join in!