I'd like to take some time to tell you how God has been working in my heart during my time here at Bible School. The event of victory which I'd like to convey to you occurred during the September Convention of my second year. Before that time I valued relationships with other people above my relationship with God. I was jealous when I wasn't included in times of fun and fellowship, and sometimes this grew into bitterness. My incessant desire to be included in everything even started to frustrate my older brother because he felt bad when I was left out (partly because I'd put him on a guilt trip), but he wasn't going to stop being included himself (although he has sacrificed himself on occasion to my selfish, pig-headed, badgering). No resolution to this conflict seemed in sight..
God was definitely trying to get my attention, but I was having none of it. Finally He sent along a pretty heavy rebuke in the form of a specific exclusion during the above mentioned time frame. A bunch of friends were going out and I wanted to tag along, but a respected elder friend very firmly told me "no." I was crushed, but you know what, sometimes those are the best times to flee to God. As I look back I can see this is exactly what God wanted. After they had departed I was moping a little and feeling bad for myself, so I decided to meander over to the graveside of a friend of mine named Andrew. There I talked to God and poured out all I was feeling (and that's not the only thing which poured). Feelings of dejection, depression, anger, and bitterness were beginning to take root. I decided after this experience that maybe relationships with other people were getting in the way of my relationship with God. I chose to give my relationships with other to God and asked Him to use them as He saw fit, realizing they are a gift from above. So often when we feel hurt or angered it is because we feel some right of ours has been violated, but relationships are not something we've earned, they're a privilege. Jesus changed my heart that night and gave me something infinitely more important than relationships with others, a deeper relationship with Him and his Holy Spirit. I also was given a sense of peace which is beyond stock market value. Yes, I was still hurt and left behind but that didn't really matter anymore. All that mattered was Jesus Christ and how much He loves me!
I think my desire to be included with others was a side effect of the insecure position I thought I was in. Jesus' love has banished (still some struggles from time to time) that insecurity. Now when times of perceived exclusion come along, my vision has been turned towards Jesus and I can recognize the work of His hand in my life and on my heart. It's almost as if I don't want to be included anymore. For anybody who knows me that is an extremely difficult thing for me to say, but I can say it because I know Jesus has something better for me in store and I'm looking forward to His continued work in my life. Now don't get the impression that I don't ever want to be included, but be encouraged not to feel bad for me when I'm not, because "For this I have Jesus." He trumps any other relationship out there!
No comments:
Post a Comment