Zeigarnik Your Marriage

Technically the term zeigarnik is not a verb, but for the purposes of this post it is, and it very well should be. As some know, misusing, butchering, or coining words is one of my specialties. Hang with me on this new usage.

I first stumbled upon this word while reading a textbook by Dr. John Gottman for the Marriage Counseling graduate course I was enrolled in, and I was enthralled by what I learned about it's origin, and the current biblical application I'll make for it up-to-date as it relates to marriage. The "Zeigarnik Effect" was noted in 1922 by a psychologist name Bluma Zeigarnik in Vienna, Austria. She observed waiters who took orders for large groups of customers and then once their order was completed, the waiters promptly forgot the customer's order. The conclusion was made that the act of completing the order shifted the memory into a different part of the brain, whereas those orders which were incomplete, remained in short-term memory longer (if you're interested in reading more about the Zeigarnik effect click either here or here here).

 According to Gottman,in his book What Makes Love Last:

"We have better recall for events that we have not completed than for those we have...We are almost twice as likely to recall 'unfinished issues' compared with those we have processed or in some manner put to rest. Between lovers, arguments that end with confessions, amends, and deeper understanding of one another tend to be soon forgotten, although their legacy is a stronger, more enduring relationship. But when a sliding door moment leads to a regrettable incident that goes unaddressed, thanks to the Zeigarnik effect, the hurt remains accessible in our active memory, available to be rehashed again and again" (p. 34-35).

Reading about the Zeigarnik effect triggered my biblical worldview and I experienced an "Aha!" moment. I enjoy noting where scripture and psychology seamlessly blend together. My mind immediately went to Ephesians 4:26 (though I didn't remember the reference, only the verse) which says, "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil" (ESV). The resolution of conflicts is crucial to the overall health of a marriage, which I believe this is what this verse speaks to. Otherwise, as the Zeigarnik effect shows us, we will continue to replay and sift the argument we had with our spouse, which will neither benefit ourselves or our spouse (this could be extended out to other relationships as well). But if we come to a point of resolution and forgiveness we are able to let go and our brain "reshuffles" the memory and it is much harder to recall.

I can attest to the veracity of this truth in my own marriage. If given enough time I can recall arguments or issues I've had with my wife, but I have to retrieve them from long-term memory which is more difficult and takes longer. But if there are any active hurts, conflict or arguments they come instantly to mind! If there are any active conflicts or issues within your own marriage I daresay reading this post has most likely brought them back to the forefront of your mind. Why not take the issues that came to mind and begin to "Zeigarnik" your marriage? I'll stress the "process" nature of this principle because as we seek to implement this principle into our marriages there will be pain and we will get hurt. But I think the benefits significantly outweigh the costs, not to mention the scriptural exhortation we're given in Ephesians to practice this principle.

I'd love to hear how it went, both the good and the bad, because there will be both. Please feel free to email with questions or other thoughts as I'm also on this journey with you.

#communication, #conflictresolution, #Ephesians, #marriage, #marriagetip, #scripture