I Am Loved

I recently had the privilege of speaking at a conference in NH to an audience of roughly fifty people. As I was preparing to speak I had multiple themes, ideas, and questions running through my mind. "What would be most relevant? What has God been teaching me recently that I could share about? What does the Holy Spirit want me to share on?" were some of those questions. I was struck by the notion of tying whatever I spoke on back to a concept or idea from my work as a counselor. Huh, now there's a new thought which opens up a whole new realm of possibilities for topics.

My answer came in the form of the new sermon series begun recently at Lancaster Alliance Church in Lancaster, PA. We are studying the book of Ephesians and how Ephesians addresses the concept of identity. Eureka! The more I thought about it the more I could see the concept of identity woven into the very fiber of my own personal wrestling, the wrestling of the clients I work with, and I daresay each reader wrestles with this or has wrestled with it at some point in their lives. It's part of the human condition to wonder, "Who am I? Does God really care? How do I find the strength to endure this pain or suffering?"

Before I delve too deeply into the richness of this topic, let me set a bit of context. First off, I'm not sure what comes to mind when you think of counseling but I've got to tell you, there are no couches in my office. So if your concept of counseling/therapy is coming into my office lying back and telling me all your problems you've got what I do all wrong. Second, if I've been properly trained and am practicing as I've been trained, I'm supposed to be like Jesus. In that, if you were to ask me a question, like Jesus, I'm not going to answer you directly but instead will most likely respond with another question. Now, depending on the client and where we are in the relationship, I might answer a direct question (seeing as I haven't quite attained the lofty standard of being entirely like Jesus quite yet). Finally, to most counselors my sample size is still fairly small. The observations I'm offering are from almost four-hundred hours of client contact (groups, individual sessions, and intakes). Still, to me that seems like a lot of hours of work in the trenches. Back to identity...

Each client is different and arrives at this concept via different routes, but so far I can say with confidence that every client faces questions like these during our work together. If I were to ask you the question on a spiritual level, "Who are you?" I'm betting a majority of church-people will give a rote response such as, "I'm a child of God" or "I'm a son/daughter of God." The reality is you're speaking truth but in actuality I think sometimes this phrase has become "churchified" where we have no idea what that really means, yet we say it and think that's all we have to say on the subject. The reality is, there is so much more to that truth!

 I see my work as a unique opportunity to help create space for the Holy Spirit to enter in and help reveal Truth, and I love helping clients connect with the life and freedom which Jesus' death and resurrection has already bought and paid for for them. After all, He is the only One who can facilitate lasting change. As such, and where we headed next in my talk, what does God have to say about identity in His Word? The Bible is full of lessons and principles on identity but I chose to hone in on one specific passage found in Ephesians 2:4-5 which says:

"But God, being miserly in mercy because of the great hatred with which he hated us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us suffer together with Christ--by performance you have been saved..."

Wait a minute! What did you just say?!! That's not what my version of Ephesians says! You're absolutely right. But more often than naught, sometimes we live out of the false version above. Where we believe performance will save us. Or God is just waiting to drop the hammer on us.

Here is what the actual passage says:

"But God, being rich in mercy because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved..." (Eph. 2:4-5 ESV)

So what is the passage really saying? What does it mean? Simple and yet profound truth: You are loved. Period. Even when you were so messed up God still loved you. No. Matter. What. The personalized message of this passage is, I am loved.

Some of you may say, "Clyde, I've heard this before. I know what you're saying is true but for some reason I either can't remember or can't fully connect with the truth of this reality." To which I'd say, "You're not alone." There are lies we each have been told. Lies we've wrapped our identity around and have built sand castles with. Lies such as, "You're worth is dependent on your performance" or "No one will really love you if they know who you really are" or "I have to be perfect."  I daresay for some reading this you've thought of other lies you've built your life around. Lies you've come to recognize and some you're still believing.

The Holy Spirit is knocking on the doors of those lies and is saying, "Let me in, I love you just the way you are. You've been believing a lie. It's not true."

Jesus talks about the truth setting us free. The simple, profound, unexplainable mystery is that we are loved. Not for anything we do but for who we are in Christ. I am loved. You are loved. This truth doesn't then mean we should be content with stopping there. Instead, as we live from a place where we can believe we're truly loved we can move mountains. Think for a moment what your life would be like if you didn't live in fear of ________ (people, risk, God; fill in the blank)? Our identity begins with the truth that we are loved. When we meditate on, live out of, and breathe this Truth anything is possible.

So here's my personal challenge to you. 3x over the next seven days I want you to tell yourself "I am loved." It's not mysticism when it's truth. Maybe it's during an incredibly stressful time. Maybe it's when life is going great! Maybe you tell yourself this truth somewhere in the middle. You'll be amazed at the difference it makes in how you view whatever you're facing. Remember, I am loved.

Zeigarnik Your Marriage

Technically the term zeigarnik is not a verb, but for the purposes of this post it is, and it very well should be. As some know, misusing, butchering, or coining words is one of my specialties. Hang with me on this new usage.

I first stumbled upon this word while reading a textbook by Dr. John Gottman for the Marriage Counseling graduate course I was enrolled in, and I was enthralled by what I learned about it's origin, and the current biblical application I'll make for it up-to-date as it relates to marriage. The "Zeigarnik Effect" was noted in 1922 by a psychologist name Bluma Zeigarnik in Vienna, Austria. She observed waiters who took orders for large groups of customers and then once their order was completed, the waiters promptly forgot the customer's order. The conclusion was made that the act of completing the order shifted the memory into a different part of the brain, whereas those orders which were incomplete, remained in short-term memory longer (if you're interested in reading more about the Zeigarnik effect click either here or here here).

 According to Gottman,in his book What Makes Love Last:

"We have better recall for events that we have not completed than for those we have...We are almost twice as likely to recall 'unfinished issues' compared with those we have processed or in some manner put to rest. Between lovers, arguments that end with confessions, amends, and deeper understanding of one another tend to be soon forgotten, although their legacy is a stronger, more enduring relationship. But when a sliding door moment leads to a regrettable incident that goes unaddressed, thanks to the Zeigarnik effect, the hurt remains accessible in our active memory, available to be rehashed again and again" (p. 34-35).

Reading about the Zeigarnik effect triggered my biblical worldview and I experienced an "Aha!" moment. I enjoy noting where scripture and psychology seamlessly blend together. My mind immediately went to Ephesians 4:26 (though I didn't remember the reference, only the verse) which says, "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil" (ESV). The resolution of conflicts is crucial to the overall health of a marriage, which I believe this is what this verse speaks to. Otherwise, as the Zeigarnik effect shows us, we will continue to replay and sift the argument we had with our spouse, which will neither benefit ourselves or our spouse (this could be extended out to other relationships as well). But if we come to a point of resolution and forgiveness we are able to let go and our brain "reshuffles" the memory and it is much harder to recall.

I can attest to the veracity of this truth in my own marriage. If given enough time I can recall arguments or issues I've had with my wife, but I have to retrieve them from long-term memory which is more difficult and takes longer. But if there are any active hurts, conflict or arguments they come instantly to mind! If there are any active conflicts or issues within your own marriage I daresay reading this post has most likely brought them back to the forefront of your mind. Why not take the issues that came to mind and begin to "Zeigarnik" your marriage? I'll stress the "process" nature of this principle because as we seek to implement this principle into our marriages there will be pain and we will get hurt. But I think the benefits significantly outweigh the costs, not to mention the scriptural exhortation we're given in Ephesians to practice this principle.

I'd love to hear how it went, both the good and the bad, because there will be both. Please feel free to email with questions or other thoughts as I'm also on this journey with you.

#communication, #conflictresolution, #Ephesians, #marriage, #marriagetip, #scripture