I Am Loved

I recently had the privilege of speaking at a conference in NH to an audience of roughly fifty people. As I was preparing to speak I had multiple themes, ideas, and questions running through my mind. "What would be most relevant? What has God been teaching me recently that I could share about? What does the Holy Spirit want me to share on?" were some of those questions. I was struck by the notion of tying whatever I spoke on back to a concept or idea from my work as a counselor. Huh, now there's a new thought which opens up a whole new realm of possibilities for topics.

My answer came in the form of the new sermon series begun recently at Lancaster Alliance Church in Lancaster, PA. We are studying the book of Ephesians and how Ephesians addresses the concept of identity. Eureka! The more I thought about it the more I could see the concept of identity woven into the very fiber of my own personal wrestling, the wrestling of the clients I work with, and I daresay each reader wrestles with this or has wrestled with it at some point in their lives. It's part of the human condition to wonder, "Who am I? Does God really care? How do I find the strength to endure this pain or suffering?"

Before I delve too deeply into the richness of this topic, let me set a bit of context. First off, I'm not sure what comes to mind when you think of counseling but I've got to tell you, there are no couches in my office. So if your concept of counseling/therapy is coming into my office lying back and telling me all your problems you've got what I do all wrong. Second, if I've been properly trained and am practicing as I've been trained, I'm supposed to be like Jesus. In that, if you were to ask me a question, like Jesus, I'm not going to answer you directly but instead will most likely respond with another question. Now, depending on the client and where we are in the relationship, I might answer a direct question (seeing as I haven't quite attained the lofty standard of being entirely like Jesus quite yet). Finally, to most counselors my sample size is still fairly small. The observations I'm offering are from almost four-hundred hours of client contact (groups, individual sessions, and intakes). Still, to me that seems like a lot of hours of work in the trenches. Back to identity...

Each client is different and arrives at this concept via different routes, but so far I can say with confidence that every client faces questions like these during our work together. If I were to ask you the question on a spiritual level, "Who are you?" I'm betting a majority of church-people will give a rote response such as, "I'm a child of God" or "I'm a son/daughter of God." The reality is you're speaking truth but in actuality I think sometimes this phrase has become "churchified" where we have no idea what that really means, yet we say it and think that's all we have to say on the subject. The reality is, there is so much more to that truth!

 I see my work as a unique opportunity to help create space for the Holy Spirit to enter in and help reveal Truth, and I love helping clients connect with the life and freedom which Jesus' death and resurrection has already bought and paid for for them. After all, He is the only One who can facilitate lasting change. As such, and where we headed next in my talk, what does God have to say about identity in His Word? The Bible is full of lessons and principles on identity but I chose to hone in on one specific passage found in Ephesians 2:4-5 which says:

"But God, being miserly in mercy because of the great hatred with which he hated us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us suffer together with Christ--by performance you have been saved..."

Wait a minute! What did you just say?!! That's not what my version of Ephesians says! You're absolutely right. But more often than naught, sometimes we live out of the false version above. Where we believe performance will save us. Or God is just waiting to drop the hammer on us.

Here is what the actual passage says:

"But God, being rich in mercy because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved..." (Eph. 2:4-5 ESV)

So what is the passage really saying? What does it mean? Simple and yet profound truth: You are loved. Period. Even when you were so messed up God still loved you. No. Matter. What. The personalized message of this passage is, I am loved.

Some of you may say, "Clyde, I've heard this before. I know what you're saying is true but for some reason I either can't remember or can't fully connect with the truth of this reality." To which I'd say, "You're not alone." There are lies we each have been told. Lies we've wrapped our identity around and have built sand castles with. Lies such as, "You're worth is dependent on your performance" or "No one will really love you if they know who you really are" or "I have to be perfect."  I daresay for some reading this you've thought of other lies you've built your life around. Lies you've come to recognize and some you're still believing.

The Holy Spirit is knocking on the doors of those lies and is saying, "Let me in, I love you just the way you are. You've been believing a lie. It's not true."

Jesus talks about the truth setting us free. The simple, profound, unexplainable mystery is that we are loved. Not for anything we do but for who we are in Christ. I am loved. You are loved. This truth doesn't then mean we should be content with stopping there. Instead, as we live from a place where we can believe we're truly loved we can move mountains. Think for a moment what your life would be like if you didn't live in fear of ________ (people, risk, God; fill in the blank)? Our identity begins with the truth that we are loved. When we meditate on, live out of, and breathe this Truth anything is possible.

So here's my personal challenge to you. 3x over the next seven days I want you to tell yourself "I am loved." It's not mysticism when it's truth. Maybe it's during an incredibly stressful time. Maybe it's when life is going great! Maybe you tell yourself this truth somewhere in the middle. You'll be amazed at the difference it makes in how you view whatever you're facing. Remember, I am loved.

Counselors Are Humans Too

Working on my M.A. in Marriage & Family Counseling has been very rewarding. While in the field I learn lessons a textbook can never fully teach. One of the most beneficial lessons so far is blatantly obvious, yet somehow I and others miss it; counselors are humans too.

In counseling circles one of the most heinous counseling infractions within a session occurs when what is called "counter-transference" occurs. This means the client says something which triggers some pain from the counselors own life-experience, and is thus brought to the forefront of the counselors memory. At this juncture the counselor either has the choice to recognize the trigger and identify the feelings and experiences connected with this reaction and keep it to themselves, or they choose not to process their reaction internally and instead respond to the client out of their reaction. Ethically counselors do everything they possibly can to minimize counter-transference, yet sometimes it still takes place. Counselors are humans too.

No where in any of the textbooks I've read in my courses does the book say anything like "It's okay to make mistakes when in session with your clients." Nothing even along the lines of, "You're going to make mistakes while in session with your clients. The key is will you recognize the mistake" was ever mentioned. Instead every facet of the literature is geared towards thinking professionally, ethically, biblically, morally, and just about every other -ly possible out there. There is nothing wrong with thinking ethically and beyond, and in fact should be consistently on our radar when working with clients. In fact, we should go above and beyond for the client. This serves as both a protection for them and for us. With all that being said, I'm learning that even with the purest and noblest intentions at heart, counter-transference more than likely may still take place. They may say something which stabs you in the gut or takes you completely off-guard. What do you do then? A crucial component for growth is if you are able to recognize when things your clients say trigger you. If a client consistently says things which set you up for counter-transference, and you're not able to control your reactions, then a referral is a must!

Recognizing when counter-transference worthy triggers come along serves as a way of helping the counselor continue to grow personally and professionally. If you experience counter-transference as a counselor this does not mean you are a failure in your profession. Counter-transference should not be encouraged yet healthy expectations within the classroom setting must also be communicated. If not, other counselors-in-training can fall prey to the belief they will be perfect when working with their clients and the fall into reality may be all the more painful. After all, counselors are not robots and we are human too. 

What do you see are some other ways of assessing growth for the counselor?