Zeigarnik Your Marriage

Technically the term zeigarnik is not a verb, but for the purposes of this post it is, and it very well should be. As some know, misusing, butchering, or coining words is one of my specialties. Hang with me on this new usage.

I first stumbled upon this word while reading a textbook by Dr. John Gottman for the Marriage Counseling graduate course I was enrolled in, and I was enthralled by what I learned about it's origin, and the current biblical application I'll make for it up-to-date as it relates to marriage. The "Zeigarnik Effect" was noted in 1922 by a psychologist name Bluma Zeigarnik in Vienna, Austria. She observed waiters who took orders for large groups of customers and then once their order was completed, the waiters promptly forgot the customer's order. The conclusion was made that the act of completing the order shifted the memory into a different part of the brain, whereas those orders which were incomplete, remained in short-term memory longer (if you're interested in reading more about the Zeigarnik effect click either here or here here).

 According to Gottman,in his book What Makes Love Last:

"We have better recall for events that we have not completed than for those we have...We are almost twice as likely to recall 'unfinished issues' compared with those we have processed or in some manner put to rest. Between lovers, arguments that end with confessions, amends, and deeper understanding of one another tend to be soon forgotten, although their legacy is a stronger, more enduring relationship. But when a sliding door moment leads to a regrettable incident that goes unaddressed, thanks to the Zeigarnik effect, the hurt remains accessible in our active memory, available to be rehashed again and again" (p. 34-35).

Reading about the Zeigarnik effect triggered my biblical worldview and I experienced an "Aha!" moment. I enjoy noting where scripture and psychology seamlessly blend together. My mind immediately went to Ephesians 4:26 (though I didn't remember the reference, only the verse) which says, "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil" (ESV). The resolution of conflicts is crucial to the overall health of a marriage, which I believe this is what this verse speaks to. Otherwise, as the Zeigarnik effect shows us, we will continue to replay and sift the argument we had with our spouse, which will neither benefit ourselves or our spouse (this could be extended out to other relationships as well). But if we come to a point of resolution and forgiveness we are able to let go and our brain "reshuffles" the memory and it is much harder to recall.

I can attest to the veracity of this truth in my own marriage. If given enough time I can recall arguments or issues I've had with my wife, but I have to retrieve them from long-term memory which is more difficult and takes longer. But if there are any active hurts, conflict or arguments they come instantly to mind! If there are any active conflicts or issues within your own marriage I daresay reading this post has most likely brought them back to the forefront of your mind. Why not take the issues that came to mind and begin to "Zeigarnik" your marriage? I'll stress the "process" nature of this principle because as we seek to implement this principle into our marriages there will be pain and we will get hurt. But I think the benefits significantly outweigh the costs, not to mention the scriptural exhortation we're given in Ephesians to practice this principle.

I'd love to hear how it went, both the good and the bad, because there will be both. Please feel free to email with questions or other thoughts as I'm also on this journey with you.

#communication, #conflictresolution, #Ephesians, #marriage, #marriagetip, #scripture

An Antidote to Fear

Hi Friends,

I’d like to give you the take-away from this post right up front. Ready? Fear steals memory but memory steals fear. Let me say that again, fear steals memory but memory steals fear.  So if you don’t remember anything else from this email remember, fear steals memory but memory steals fear.

                

For those still with me, let’s begin to unpack this a bit further. I daresay the subject of fear will never make the New York Times best-selling topic list. In fact, it’s a subject that can be just as uncomfortable and disconcerting for me as it is for you, but it’s a subject we each can identify with. Was there something that came to mind when I first mentioned the topic of fear? If not, look no further than world events, the threat of cancer, the state of the economy, or some other personal event(s). I think you get the point. As Christians, how should we approach fear? What does the Bible have to say about the subject of fear? Are there any stories of men and women in the Bible whose fear stole their memory? How did they respond?  

                

To answer that last question, let’s consider the story of Abram from Genesis 12. I’d recommend reading the whole chapter but the verse I’d like to key in on is verses two and three which says,

“And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and him who dishonors you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed” (Genesis 12:3 ESV).

Pause! Let’s consider for a moment what just happened. The God of the Universe spoke to Abram and made an incredible promise to him! I’m pretty sure Abram knew exactly who God was and that this was a big deal. I mean, this wasn’t any Joe Shmoe walking up to Abram and saying this blessing, no it was Almighty God!

This realization is cemented even further when we skip down to verse seven and Abram’s response which was, “so he built there an altar to the LORD, who had appeared to him” (Genesis 12:7 ESV). This was quite literally a “mountain top” experience for Abram and he didn’t want to forget such a significant event, so he built an altar to commemorate the occasion. My equivalent modern day practice would be to write in a journal when I feel like God has given me something special that I want to remember, lest I forget. I’ll bet we all do things to help us remember God’s faithfulness.

                

So what happens next? Skip ahead to verse eleven which says, “When he was about to enter Egypt, he said to Sarai his wife, ‘I know that you are a woman beautiful in appearance, and when the Egyptians see you, they will say, ‘This is his wife.’ Then they will kill me, but they will let you live. Say you are my sister, that it may go well with me because of you, and that my life may be spared for your sake’” (Genesis 12:11-13 ESV).

What just happened?!  Only shortly before God made a special promise to Abram. But when push came to shove and Abram was faced with the prospect of conflict, fear stole Abram’s memory. Abram panicked and forgot God’s promise and the faithfulness the promise represented.

I love how God doesn’t leave Abram hanging, even though fear stole his memory. He demonstrated his mercy to Abram in this narrative by sparing his life. In that era, if you lied to a Pharaoh, you weren’t known to have a long life-span. Yet, God wasn’t done teaching Abram.

Fast forward to Genesis 15:1 which says, “After these things the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision: ‘Fear not, Abram, I am your shield; your reward shall be very great’ (Genesis 15:1 ESV).  

Wow! Even though fear stole Abram’s memory of God’s promise, God was still faithful to Abram and he hadn’t forgotten him. God was willing to meet Abram exactly where he was and speak into both his internal and external fears (which He does with us, too).

                

I think each one of us could put ourselves in the place of Abram during this narrative and the same could just as easily have been said of us. I know when a fearful thought strikes my first inclination is not to remember God’s faithfulness. Yet this is one of the most powerful antidotes to fear: meditating on God’s faithfulness.

I can’t help but wonder how our lives would be different if fear didn’t steal our memory? I daresay we’d live with a greater measure of freedom, peace, and hope as we remembered and meditated on the faithfulness of God. You see, this is how memory steals fear.  When we remember just how much God loves us and how incredibly faithful He’s been to us, then the teeth are taken out of the fear. It holds no power. Storing memories of the faithfulness of God really does make a difference.

I wish I had a jar where I could store more and more memories of the faithfulness of God. The Bible is also full of promises which we can turn to when we need to be reminded of God’s faithfulness. The Sabbath would be a great time to sit down and make a list of how God has been faithful to you. The day itself is a reminder of his faithfulness and how much He values ceasing from daily rigors.

However you choose to spend the day, may you be blessed and encouraged by the truth that memory steals fear. My hope and prayer for each one of you is that you can put this idea into practice, and thus experience powerful life-change and freedom!
#nofear #faith #god #love 

Eternal Creativity

Currently, I'm mesmerized by the concept of creativity. So much so, that this post and the last both have the word in their title. The fact remains, creativity is bursting around us! Sunrise anybody? How about that sunset? Fall foliage, people? People? The creativity is endless and I'm soaking it all in.

Naturally, one must have the ability to notice creativity erstwhile you may pass it along without nary a glance. I know I've been guilty of this crime many times. I get so busy or am so intent on rushing from one location to the next that I forget to notice a dew-laden spiders' web or the gentle brush of the wind on my cheek. I realize there are seasons in life but sometimes we wear the rut of that "season" too deep. Sometimes we realize what we are doing and sometimes we don't. May you wake up!

The reason I am so acutely aware of the creativity around me is due to the fact that I know the One who crafted creativity. If I couldn't see the intricacy of His imprint all around me, then I wouldn't experience the hope and purpose I share with all of you through my camera or blog. I've recently come to understand just how fantastic a platform social media is for sharing creativity in the world, and to the world! I love capturing, crafting, and then publicizing an image which speaks volumes towards the creativity of God, and the reminder to me of just how awesome it is to capture that creativity as his vice-regent here on earth. My hope is that you are encouraged, challenged, and perhaps even piqued to go yourself and seek out the creativity of God around you.

 But I'm not doing this for me. I'm not doing this to glorify myself. No, I want you to catch a glimpse, touch, and experience the creativity of God for yourself! The eternal creativity of God is what it's all about. Now go, see it for yourself, and then come back and tell me what you saw.

What inspires you?

#thepeoplescreatives #peoplescreatives #socality #eternity #god #love #liveauthentic #faith #hope