Expectation Cup

"Of course marriage is hard. For heaven's sake, bring together a man and a woman--two creatures who think, act, and feel so differently you would think they'd come from separate solar systems--and ask them to get along for the rest of their lives under the same roof. That is like taking Cinderella and Huck Finn, tossing them in a submarine, and closing the hatch. What did you think would happen?" (Love & War, p. 14)

Marriage is much harder than I thought. Don't get me wrong. I love being married and am learning to be grateful every day for the wonderful creature God has blessed me with. At the same time, I had no idea what the words "I will" actually meant. In some ways, I can identify more with Cinderella from the quote above. I wanted everything to be perfect and had high ideals for what marriage would look like. Needless to say, I've been in for some readjustments in my plan. A significant area where God has been working is in the area of expectations.

Heading into marriage I knew I had expectations. Like a wise fellow, I knew these expectations needed to be discussed with Jane and we needed to sift for "deal-breakers" among our expectations. To name a few, these expectation categories consisted of finances, children, vocation, household roles, education (and beyond). Discussing expectations is a healthy way to prepare for marriage, but here's a bit of advice I wish I'd been told before I'd gotten married, and one which I've been learning since getting married; you'll continue to discover expectations you never knew you had after you get married. In fact, you'll never discover or be able to talk about all of the expectations you both have before you get married. It is also very important to intentionally discuss and address the expectations you discover after you get married, and where necessary, let them go.

As you might have guessed, this post is about an expectation I discovered I had after getting married and subsequently am in the process of letting go. It crept up stealthily on our marriage and began to suck the life right out of it. With chagrin I admit I thought Jane was the one who would fill me. Fill me with affirmation, love, satisfaction, joy, hope and anything I'd need. All I needed to do was bring my empty expectation cup to her and she'd meet the need. The issue being I'm insatiable and there is no way she can ever slake the need or thrive under that time of pressure! In fact, no one can.

I didn't even realize what I was doing. Oh, I knew I was always seeking something of her, but I didn't know why or exactly how detrimental it was to keep asking her to fill up my empty, broken, leaking cup. While reading Love & War again for a recent class, a proverbial 2x4 smacked me in the head!

"What we are saying is simply this: You have to have some place you can turn. For comfort. For understanding. For the healing of your brokenness. For love. To offer life, you must have life. And you can only get this from God."  (Love & War, p. 69).

I began to realize I was asking of Jane what she was never designed to give, and I was never supposed to ask. No matter how hard she tried or how much she strained she was never going to satisfy the need. But Jesus can. He is waiting to meet the need if I but ask. I love how accurately John & Stasi put it when they said, "The greatest gift you can give your spouse is to develop a genuine relationship with Jesus Christ." (L & W, p. 69). Jesus is the ultimate source of Life and He will never run dry. No matter how many times I come to Him and no matter how deeply I need to be filled. What He offers will satisfy the slake and quench the insatiable longing for more.  

I can't tell you how grateful I am to let go of the false expectation I had that Jane could meet the need. If I'm honest, this is a process and I'm sure there will be times when I'll be tempted to ask her what I shouldn't. If that happens again may I be reminded to take my expectation cup to Jesus rather than to Jane. May we each be reminded to continue nurturing our relationship with Jesus because He is the source of life.

#marriage #marriagetip #communication #Eldredge #faith #expectations #love #conflictresolution

Safe-Marriage

"Every time we choose to love, we take a step closer to God; it is like he is right there. Every time we choose something else, we take a step away. I want God, so I choose love." (Love & War by John and Stasi Eldredge p. 207).

No one said marriage would be easy. On the other hand, no one said marriage would be this discouragingly hard either. Somehow the movies, books, and fads of society never quite accurately portrayed the realities of marriage. No one ever told me how effectively marriage would bring me face-to-face with my own sin and selfishness. Or if they did I somehow missed it.

I'm not even sure where I got this from, but somehow I brought into my marriage the belief that "happiness and equilibrium was what marriage was all about." As such, conflict, feeling hurt, and speaking up was seen as destructive, and should be avoided at all costs! So I'd sequester my emotions believing conflict, or anything that rocked-the-boat was unhealthy. Expressing emotion inevitably would lead towards conflict, because no one would actually like me as I really am, and I'd expect Jane to do the same (train-wreck waiting to happen). Like I said, I don't know where it came from but back in February through the work of the Spirit and my gracious wife, this false realization was unearthed in our marriage and God has been chipping away at it. Perhaps this is when God starts chipping away at this false belief in your marriage too.

I get it. Conflict is not a popular topic in or out of marriage. Conflict is still not my favorite topic either, but at least it now serves a point in my marriage. Each difficult conversation provides me with an opportunity to risk and take a step closer to God or choose self-preservation and ultimately take a step away from him. I believe marriage is meant to draw me closer to God and to greater reflect His glory in my life to others. I'm far from perfect and I'll still have my share of times where I lean towards self-preservation over risk. However when I choose to adopt the attitude of a "conflict-free zone" I need to recognize the possibility that I'm missing something greater God has in store for me. Maybe this situation is part of the sanctification process and by saying no to the risk of conflict, I'm saying no to God? I run the risk of setting myself up as God when I make the choice to "marriage-safe" it in my relationship with my spouse. We all do.

 Firearms can be risky tools. Each firearm is equipped with a safety to prevent the firearm from discharging when it shouldn't. Marriages are also equipped with a "safety" which is, when we choose to avoid uncomfortable or tough subjects in our marriages. Living with the safety "on" in marriage however, may not always be healthy. In our marriages we're each offered the choice of living with our safeties on or our safeties off. With the safety "off" in my marriage God has been doing some deep work in my heart. For example, God has been helping me to better understand the value of and how to express healthy emotion in marriage. If I was living with the safety "on" I would have missed this lesson. I shudder to imagine going back to a place where "marriage-safe" is the norm, but if I'm not careful that attitude can easily creep back in. It's a daily choice to love Jane, not because she's difficult to love, but because of my own interest in self-preservation. Ultimately I want God, which is why I'll continue to choose to love and live with my marriage safety "off."

I can't help but wonder how marriages would look differently if others realized they're living with the marriage "safety" on? How would your marriage change for the better if the safety was turned "off" every now and again?

#marriage #marriagebuilding #conflict #hope #love #risk