Counselors Are Humans Too

Working on my M.A. in Marriage & Family Counseling has been very rewarding. While in the field I learn lessons a textbook can never fully teach. One of the most beneficial lessons so far is blatantly obvious, yet somehow I and others miss it; counselors are humans too.

In counseling circles one of the most heinous counseling infractions within a session occurs when what is called "counter-transference" occurs. This means the client says something which triggers some pain from the counselors own life-experience, and is thus brought to the forefront of the counselors memory. At this juncture the counselor either has the choice to recognize the trigger and identify the feelings and experiences connected with this reaction and keep it to themselves, or they choose not to process their reaction internally and instead respond to the client out of their reaction. Ethically counselors do everything they possibly can to minimize counter-transference, yet sometimes it still takes place. Counselors are humans too.

No where in any of the textbooks I've read in my courses does the book say anything like "It's okay to make mistakes when in session with your clients." Nothing even along the lines of, "You're going to make mistakes while in session with your clients. The key is will you recognize the mistake" was ever mentioned. Instead every facet of the literature is geared towards thinking professionally, ethically, biblically, morally, and just about every other -ly possible out there. There is nothing wrong with thinking ethically and beyond, and in fact should be consistently on our radar when working with clients. In fact, we should go above and beyond for the client. This serves as both a protection for them and for us. With all that being said, I'm learning that even with the purest and noblest intentions at heart, counter-transference more than likely may still take place. They may say something which stabs you in the gut or takes you completely off-guard. What do you do then? A crucial component for growth is if you are able to recognize when things your clients say trigger you. If a client consistently says things which set you up for counter-transference, and you're not able to control your reactions, then a referral is a must!

Recognizing when counter-transference worthy triggers come along serves as a way of helping the counselor continue to grow personally and professionally. If you experience counter-transference as a counselor this does not mean you are a failure in your profession. Counter-transference should not be encouraged yet healthy expectations within the classroom setting must also be communicated. If not, other counselors-in-training can fall prey to the belief they will be perfect when working with their clients and the fall into reality may be all the more painful. After all, counselors are not robots and we are human too. 

What do you see are some other ways of assessing growth for the counselor?

Authority As Protection

Authority. The word conjures up a myriad of images in my mind some of which are positive and some of which are not. If I'm honest with myself, I've never really relished having someone over me in authority, until now. 

If you thought home-life was stressful and busy then you've never been introduced to the corporate world. I myself am still relatively new to this arena and it certainly takes some getting used to. In my specific situation, I learned the hard way that authority can work against me before I learned how it can work for me. Instead of seeing those in authority as my advocates I saw them as people who were trying to hold me back or lord their power over me. This in reality was more my own perception than anything they ever intended. Sometimes you may come across situations where those in authority do lord it over their underlings, but gratefully, this was not my situation. Through this tough process I learned the valuable lesson that authority acts as a protection for me. My boss wants me to succeed because he benefits and I benefit when I succeed so there was no hidden agenda to keep me down. With that being said I would also say a good boss is secure enough to empower the employee to act with latitude within the parameters under their authority. If not, things can come to a standstill where productivity is concerned.

 The corporate world has revolutionized my view of authority based on the previous concept. This helps serve as a reminder for me when I'm tempted to question other areas of authority in my life. Being under authority is a healthy thing and does not conjure up the same painful images as it has in the past. For that, I must thank the corporate world.

#authority #attitude 

New Balance in Coaching Basketball

It has been four years since I last prowled the side-line of a basketball court as a coach. I miss pacing the sidelines, especially in March when basketball is king. While focusing on other areas of life I do want to return to coaching at some point, and I'm confident the additional life-experience I've been getting will stand me in good stead for when I have the opportunity to return to the game of basketball. I enjoyed watching my brother assist Manchester Central to a Division I NH state title last Saturday and it is neat to watch his development as a coach and person around the game.

 When I began my first head coaching job at the ripe old-age of 21 I believed my main responsibility to my players was to point out all the areas of their game where they were not performing to the standard I had in mind for them. As other coaches can attest, some of this mentality is true of coaching, but that is only half the job. Looking back now I shudder to think of the negative impact I had on my players due to my lack of experience and maturity as a person and as a coach. When I get the opportunity to coach again I'm looking forward to implementing the "other-side" of coaching which to some may be glaringly obvious, but I only came to recognize this within the last several months.

I would posit that as important to communicating to your players what they did wrong is the ability and willingness to praise your players for what they did correctly. As a player who honestly enjoys hearing your coach only ever rag on you? I know I didn't. Praising your players is not putting them at risk of getting a big-head, no rather it serves as an accurate reflection of what should be taking place in life outside of basketball. I view playing and coaching the game of basketball as a reflection of how you live your life, with balance, poise, grit, and determination. In the real-world you discover some people will praise you and some will not. Some people will confront you from constructive criticism and some will not. Coaching is a unique privilege because you have the responsibility of fulfilling both roles of critic and cheerleader for your players.  

I know I've been challenged by this thought, and like I said before, I'm looking forward to implementing this when I have another opportunity to teach others about both the game of basketball and life. 

#MarchMadness #coaching #basketball #lifelessons #NCAA

What I Love About Being a Dad

Alright, enough of these intellectual and spiritual posts for a week. This week I want to share with you what I love about being a father (so far). Who knows, perhaps even one or two of these favorites may surprise you. They are in no particular order of significance:

1. Clear Eyes--I love looking into my daughters eyes and seeing nothing but innocence. I know, I know, she won't always remain this way but I'd never quite noticed how clean and pure a baby's eyes look. I would personally attribute that to a clear conscience but I'm not the expert. Anyway, I'm enjoying seeing those eyes look at me with clarity.

2. Rocking, rocking, rocking--Who would have ever thought I would have the magic touch when it comes to settling GJ? I don't think even I would have thought I would be this good with her. I'd better cross my fingers now because saying something like this may turn all of this on its' head. Until it does anyway, I love rocking my daughter to sleep. When she falls asleep in my arms I consider it a privilege she has given to me. She trusts me and I don't want to ever do anything to damage that trust.

3. Development--I love being a Dad because I get a front-row seat to how a little-human develops and begins to grow (outside of the womb that is). Reviewing pictures from when GJ was first born I'm astounded at her growth. She's jabbering now, and is oh so close to crawling. She can now focus on items in front of her face and will reach both arms in a scissor motion towards the item she would like to reach for (coming from barely being able to grasp onto things this is definitely development). She is extending her reach which is also a sign her eyesight is developing as she previously could only see 10-15 feet from her eyes, and is also a sign her field-of vision is looking beyond her previously small sphere.

4. Heavenly perspective--other parents' will understand this, and perhaps even those who are not parents will, to an extent. As a father, I now have a small inkling of what God thinks about me. I would never have been able to see through that lens if it weren't for GJ, and I'm appreciative of the change of perspective.

5. Diapers--Yes, here is the one you're probably surprised about. I'll say it so you can have the satisfaction of reading it in print, I love being a Dad because I get to change diapers. I hope your satisfaction meter has spiked. Diapers? Yes. Why? Because it is yet another opportunity to serve my daughter. I came to a realization a couple of years ago regarding diapers when I was baby-sitting my nephew. He was so helpless and cute when I changed his diaper, I couldn't help but love him as a result. My whole perspective on diaper-changing was re-calibrated when I viewed it through that perspective, and the same is now true of GJ. Is it always fun or enjoyable? No quite honestly it's not. But every-time I'm tempted to be grumpy, all I have to do is look at the precious life before me and the grumpiness all melts away.

So, now it's your turn. What do you love about being a Dad? Mom? Uncle? Aunt? Grandparent?

Reaction to a Visit to Recovering Grace Website

Sitting here I realize I'm doing the very thing I encourage others not to do, and that is react and write something from emotion. I've just spent some time skimming through the Recovering Grace website regarding some of the recent vitriol they are spewing regarding Bill Gothard (to read for yourself visit http://bit.ly/1gvelK3).

 Now, my point in reacting is not to defend or condone any action Bill Gothard may or may not have perpetrated. The fact of the matter is I can't speak to what did or did not happen. I have my own opinions regarding ATI/IBLP not all of which are a glowing report of the ministry, but I would have to say overall I've appreciated the ministry and benefit I've received in my own life from my experiences. Am I blind to the abject power structure which was in place? Absolutely not. I would say the hypocrisy I saw lived out in the lives of some ATI families was also a bit of a concern for me. Anyway I digress (if you are interested in continuing to hear more of my story, please let me know).

What is of greatest concern to me as I'm reading some of the material on #RecoveringGrace is the overwhelming bias which exudes from RG. Now, perhaps RG does not intend to provide any kind of balance to what they are reporting regarding Bill Gothard. If that is the case, then they are doing a pretty darn good job of smearing and making their point. Now, I realize they may have attempted to contact Mr. Gothard and he did not return any comment on their attempts, which I just have to say is his right! If he does not respond to your questions, then writing something based on a non-response is very shaky ground. In fact, one might call that an argument from silence. At times when there is no response that can itself be condemning but not necessarily every time. I'd have to say that just because Mr. Gothard chooses not to respond to accusations does not automatically validate those accusations. So if you visit RG be prepared to hear one-side of the story when there are always two sides to every story.

Another thing which concerns me is the claim I gathered from Recovering Grace regarding the intent of helping the healing journey of various categories of individuals who have "survived" ATI. Speaking from my professional capacity as a counseling clinician and student of counseling, I believe the continuation of the mud-slinging may be more detrimental to the healing process than is believed. Yes, each person should be able to tell their story. But where does telling the story stop and the healing begin? I agree the scab needs to be opened to the air so it can heal, but continuing to pick at it will not bring the needed healing. Instead, it will continue to stir up feelings of anger, bitterness and resentment. It may help establish a community of like-minded people who have "survived", but in the end if you don't let go of the hurt you're only doing more damage to yourself. Is the concept of forgiveness easy? Absolutely not! I make no claim to forgiveness or the process of forgiveness being easy. In fact, it may be forgiveness to release, rather than forgiveness to reconciliation. Healing is absolutely necessary but I would perhaps encourage it in a less public forum (retraumatizing individuals could be a very viable concern for some as they continue to read each story).

From visiting the Recovering Grace site only a few times here is what I see (as an ATI adult, as a counselor, as a person). I see a group of hurting people who are choosing to hold onto their hurt through banding together and casting blame. In reality, there are many different factors and choices which shaped your perception of God, your self-identity, and your faith. Perhaps blame should be cast but I would have to ask, "To what point?" To the saving of Mr. Gothards' soul? Is the end goal to publicly shame Mr. Gothard? Would that make everyone feel better? Like Jonah, I doubt most of the contributors to RG would like to see Bill in heaven. Personally, I think we are going to see him in heaven whether you like it or not (I know I hope to see him in heaven someday).
#BillGothard #ATI #IBLP

Confession Renewed #confession

"When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long. Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat."

Psa. 32:3-4 (NLT)

Confession seems to be a lost art in the evangelical world. Quite honestly I hear that word and it conjures up images of a Catholic confession box from the movies with a priest listening to my pious utterances and absolving me from something he has no business absolving me from, or any control over. I can't tell you the last time I heard a sermon on the art of confession probably because we don't enjoy telling others about the junk in our own lives. And yet, scripture identifies a potential reason for ill health in our lives if we refuse to confess our sin. 

The last time you experienced groan-evoking bodily pain did the thought "this pain may be a result of sin in my life" even cross your mind? I read the verse from above and am prompted to recognize there are consequences for not confessing sin. This truth may sound cold and hard but I think it needs to be said. I'm humbled to recognize I don't always think this clearly either. I'm quick to chalk the pain up to some other less vulnerable reason for my discomfort. Even as a representative of God I sometimes fail to recognize the promptings of God in my own life. Yet God isn't causing this "body wasted away" discomfort as the end-all. No, he lovingly wants to correct me and bring me back to Himself. 

Confession is necessary because it humbles us before God and other human beings. It is humbling, embarrassing, and vulnerable to let another human being know about my sin, but in that low place then I can find God. Or perhaps more accurately, God can join me.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted 

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18 

Life Storms; An Analogy #StayclosetoJesus

There simply is no way of getting around it; Pennsylvania has been hammered by storms this winter. This is not to state that other places have not been getting hammered, because I'm sure they have, but it has been an unexpected amount for the winter season. From powdery snow to bone-clenching ice storms I've had a front row seat to the elements as they've howled around my little trailer.

Most readers know what takes place in an ice-storm, but for those who do not, let me enlighten you. Definitely the most deadly of the winter storms, "ice-storms" sweep in, encase everything in ice and then gradually bend or break your will. Quite literally if you do not have the strength to stand, in this case speaking from the standpoint of a tree during an ice-storm, you will topple.

The thing is, from the outside anyway, every tree looks like it can withstand an ice storm before it hits. When the weather truly gets rough the mettle of the tree is finally tested. A tree just down the road from my home looked solid before the storm, but in its' aftermath was left sprawling in a tangle of broken limbs and twisted branches. I never would have thought this particular tree was so brittle inside but the storm is what highlighted the issue.

The analogy may be applied to people and the "storms" of life we each face on a regular and consistent basis. Storms I daresay bring out your character, at least I know they bring out mine. But will the next storm be the one to break you, or make you stronger? Will the next one be your downfall, one in which a friend says, "I never knew they were so brittle." Unfortunately, storms aren't going away anytime soon. They are the tools God may use to test our mettle and see where we turn in times of need. The presence of a storm does not equal an automatic fold however. This is enormously comforting as my point is not to cause fear or intimidation, but it is to challenge you regarding where you turn to before the storms and in the storms. Are you sticking close to Jesus? If so, He will give you the strength to wade out the storm. If not, well you know what to do...or ask me.