Quality TV

I wonder what would come to your mind if I were to ask you to describe Hollywood's progression of the caricature of men on the comedy and sitcom screen over the last thirty years (providing you watch this TV genre). The images and caricatures that come to mind for me range from Homer Simpson, to the Big Bang Theory, and finally to Family Guy. I realize the examples which came to mind are not a very large sample and there may be other shows that come to your mind beyond the ones that came to mine. There may be some positive character qualities portrayed in the male characters from the above named shows but, for the most part, these shows cast a negative light on being a guy. It seems as if dads and men have become the humor punching bag for what ails families. If we do see positive characterizations of men it seems they are being set up for failure which then causes us to wonder when they're going to fall. If watching the above named shows was my only example of what it was to be a guy I'm sure I'd laugh at the humor poked at us, but deep down I'd be ashamed of being a guy. Is this then to say there isn't any truth in the messages conveyed about guys from these and other shows like them? No, but that is a topic for another time.

Enter in the show Blue Bloods still running on CBS in it's sixth season (five seasons available on Amazon Prime). Although Blue Bloods is not a comedy or sitcom, I've been refreshed by the positive portrayals of men. I found myself over and over marveling that Hollywood would produce such a show because it is so opposite to it's past offerings (granted in a different genre). This is not to say Blue Bloods is a perfect show because it isn't (language, alcoholic consumption, violent crime scenes, some immorality, and social justice offerings). 

The show is built around four generations of the Reagan family living and operating in New York City in different facets of the police and justice system in Manhattan. Grandpa is a widower and former police commissioner (referred to as Pop). Frank, himself a widower, is Pop's only son and the current NYPD police commissioner after spending decades himself on the job as an officer and detective. His oldest son Danny is an Iraq veteran, police detective in the NYPD, and husband to Linda. Linda is a nurse and she and Danny are parents to Jack and Shawn who are in grade-school. Frank's second child is Erin who is a divorced-single mom who works as an Assistant District Attorney in Manhattan by day and is a frazzled mother to teenager Nikki by night. Third in line is Jamie who is a beat-officer working his way up the ranks.   

  

The interplay of family dynamics mixed with the jobs of each character is what brings the show to life, and why I'd recommend it as a refreshing display of both genuine and flawed characters. Family, led by strong, positive, balanced male leadership in Pop and Frank is what allows this family to operate with smooth efficiency. They're not perfect but I believe the bedrock of each family should be the father. Their Catholic faith lends a strong moral fiber to their decisions and family cohesion (every episode has at least one family dinner scene in it). Their ethics are strong even if it means making tough decisions which negatively impact friends or colleagues. Yet they are expressive, independent, opinionated and volatile (Irish heritage).  

The men are not perfect, and neither is the show, but its a wonderful break from the father/dad/guy bashing of other shows. Watching this show I find myself uplifted and given a positive example of what it means to be a husband and father. Thank you Hollywood for finally producing a show which positively portrays men!

#hollywood #tv #family

I Am Loved

I recently had the privilege of speaking at a conference in NH to an audience of roughly fifty people. As I was preparing to speak I had multiple themes, ideas, and questions running through my mind. "What would be most relevant? What has God been teaching me recently that I could share about? What does the Holy Spirit want me to share on?" were some of those questions. I was struck by the notion of tying whatever I spoke on back to a concept or idea from my work as a counselor. Huh, now there's a new thought which opens up a whole new realm of possibilities for topics.

My answer came in the form of the new sermon series begun recently at Lancaster Alliance Church in Lancaster, PA. We are studying the book of Ephesians and how Ephesians addresses the concept of identity. Eureka! The more I thought about it the more I could see the concept of identity woven into the very fiber of my own personal wrestling, the wrestling of the clients I work with, and I daresay each reader wrestles with this or has wrestled with it at some point in their lives. It's part of the human condition to wonder, "Who am I? Does God really care? How do I find the strength to endure this pain or suffering?"

Before I delve too deeply into the richness of this topic, let me set a bit of context. First off, I'm not sure what comes to mind when you think of counseling but I've got to tell you, there are no couches in my office. So if your concept of counseling/therapy is coming into my office lying back and telling me all your problems you've got what I do all wrong. Second, if I've been properly trained and am practicing as I've been trained, I'm supposed to be like Jesus. In that, if you were to ask me a question, like Jesus, I'm not going to answer you directly but instead will most likely respond with another question. Now, depending on the client and where we are in the relationship, I might answer a direct question (seeing as I haven't quite attained the lofty standard of being entirely like Jesus quite yet). Finally, to most counselors my sample size is still fairly small. The observations I'm offering are from almost four-hundred hours of client contact (groups, individual sessions, and intakes). Still, to me that seems like a lot of hours of work in the trenches. Back to identity...

Each client is different and arrives at this concept via different routes, but so far I can say with confidence that every client faces questions like these during our work together. If I were to ask you the question on a spiritual level, "Who are you?" I'm betting a majority of church-people will give a rote response such as, "I'm a child of God" or "I'm a son/daughter of God." The reality is you're speaking truth but in actuality I think sometimes this phrase has become "churchified" where we have no idea what that really means, yet we say it and think that's all we have to say on the subject. The reality is, there is so much more to that truth!

 I see my work as a unique opportunity to help create space for the Holy Spirit to enter in and help reveal Truth, and I love helping clients connect with the life and freedom which Jesus' death and resurrection has already bought and paid for for them. After all, He is the only One who can facilitate lasting change. As such, and where we headed next in my talk, what does God have to say about identity in His Word? The Bible is full of lessons and principles on identity but I chose to hone in on one specific passage found in Ephesians 2:4-5 which says:

"But God, being miserly in mercy because of the great hatred with which he hated us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us suffer together with Christ--by performance you have been saved..."

Wait a minute! What did you just say?!! That's not what my version of Ephesians says! You're absolutely right. But more often than naught, sometimes we live out of the false version above. Where we believe performance will save us. Or God is just waiting to drop the hammer on us.

Here is what the actual passage says:

"But God, being rich in mercy because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved..." (Eph. 2:4-5 ESV)

So what is the passage really saying? What does it mean? Simple and yet profound truth: You are loved. Period. Even when you were so messed up God still loved you. No. Matter. What. The personalized message of this passage is, I am loved.

Some of you may say, "Clyde, I've heard this before. I know what you're saying is true but for some reason I either can't remember or can't fully connect with the truth of this reality." To which I'd say, "You're not alone." There are lies we each have been told. Lies we've wrapped our identity around and have built sand castles with. Lies such as, "You're worth is dependent on your performance" or "No one will really love you if they know who you really are" or "I have to be perfect."  I daresay for some reading this you've thought of other lies you've built your life around. Lies you've come to recognize and some you're still believing.

The Holy Spirit is knocking on the doors of those lies and is saying, "Let me in, I love you just the way you are. You've been believing a lie. It's not true."

Jesus talks about the truth setting us free. The simple, profound, unexplainable mystery is that we are loved. Not for anything we do but for who we are in Christ. I am loved. You are loved. This truth doesn't then mean we should be content with stopping there. Instead, as we live from a place where we can believe we're truly loved we can move mountains. Think for a moment what your life would be like if you didn't live in fear of ________ (people, risk, God; fill in the blank)? Our identity begins with the truth that we are loved. When we meditate on, live out of, and breathe this Truth anything is possible.

So here's my personal challenge to you. 3x over the next seven days I want you to tell yourself "I am loved." It's not mysticism when it's truth. Maybe it's during an incredibly stressful time. Maybe it's when life is going great! Maybe you tell yourself this truth somewhere in the middle. You'll be amazed at the difference it makes in how you view whatever you're facing. Remember, I am loved.

Why I Write

Phew! It's been a while since I've tickled the keys of my keyboard to compose a post. A lot of life has happened since May. Some of which I may share and some of which I won't. I return to writing with a new perspective on the content I have to offer. I find myself consistently asking myself the question, "Why am I generating any type of content?" My updated answer is childishly simple really, but it's been percolating internally for a while now, "Because it's something I like, enjoy, or feel is important."

This is in contrast to previous posts and writings. Sometimes consciously and sometimes not, I'd try to create content in an effort to garner a response. In other words, I was letting the audience dictate what I would or wouldn't say rather than thinking and creating content for myself. No, the intent is not to veer off into pure narcissism (there's already enough of that in this world). Rather, my goal is to think for myself and talk about things I personally find appealing, interesting, or evoke a response in me. If you happen to agree and would like to join the conversation you certainly may.

On occasion, I'll be talking to God and you get to listen in. Or I might rant against some recent tragedy or social issue. I might even share spiritual insights or lessons God has been teaching me recently. Consider yourself lucky to be along for the ride (or not, but you're the one who's chosen to take the time to read these words anyway).

To this end, you'll see a different shift and flavor in the posts. Don't worry. Some of the posts I've published already still do qualify as coming from me, but my expectation for interaction is lessened. We'll see where this new season of writing goes and now you know why I write.

Expectation Cup

"Of course marriage is hard. For heaven's sake, bring together a man and a woman--two creatures who think, act, and feel so differently you would think they'd come from separate solar systems--and ask them to get along for the rest of their lives under the same roof. That is like taking Cinderella and Huck Finn, tossing them in a submarine, and closing the hatch. What did you think would happen?" (Love & War, p. 14)

Marriage is much harder than I thought. Don't get me wrong. I love being married and am learning to be grateful every day for the wonderful creature God has blessed me with. At the same time, I had no idea what the words "I will" actually meant. In some ways, I can identify more with Cinderella from the quote above. I wanted everything to be perfect and had high ideals for what marriage would look like. Needless to say, I've been in for some readjustments in my plan. A significant area where God has been working is in the area of expectations.

Heading into marriage I knew I had expectations. Like a wise fellow, I knew these expectations needed to be discussed with Jane and we needed to sift for "deal-breakers" among our expectations. To name a few, these expectation categories consisted of finances, children, vocation, household roles, education (and beyond). Discussing expectations is a healthy way to prepare for marriage, but here's a bit of advice I wish I'd been told before I'd gotten married, and one which I've been learning since getting married; you'll continue to discover expectations you never knew you had after you get married. In fact, you'll never discover or be able to talk about all of the expectations you both have before you get married. It is also very important to intentionally discuss and address the expectations you discover after you get married, and where necessary, let them go.

As you might have guessed, this post is about an expectation I discovered I had after getting married and subsequently am in the process of letting go. It crept up stealthily on our marriage and began to suck the life right out of it. With chagrin I admit I thought Jane was the one who would fill me. Fill me with affirmation, love, satisfaction, joy, hope and anything I'd need. All I needed to do was bring my empty expectation cup to her and she'd meet the need. The issue being I'm insatiable and there is no way she can ever slake the need or thrive under that time of pressure! In fact, no one can.

I didn't even realize what I was doing. Oh, I knew I was always seeking something of her, but I didn't know why or exactly how detrimental it was to keep asking her to fill up my empty, broken, leaking cup. While reading Love & War again for a recent class, a proverbial 2x4 smacked me in the head!

"What we are saying is simply this: You have to have some place you can turn. For comfort. For understanding. For the healing of your brokenness. For love. To offer life, you must have life. And you can only get this from God."  (Love & War, p. 69).

I began to realize I was asking of Jane what she was never designed to give, and I was never supposed to ask. No matter how hard she tried or how much she strained she was never going to satisfy the need. But Jesus can. He is waiting to meet the need if I but ask. I love how accurately John & Stasi put it when they said, "The greatest gift you can give your spouse is to develop a genuine relationship with Jesus Christ." (L & W, p. 69). Jesus is the ultimate source of Life and He will never run dry. No matter how many times I come to Him and no matter how deeply I need to be filled. What He offers will satisfy the slake and quench the insatiable longing for more.  

I can't tell you how grateful I am to let go of the false expectation I had that Jane could meet the need. If I'm honest, this is a process and I'm sure there will be times when I'll be tempted to ask her what I shouldn't. If that happens again may I be reminded to take my expectation cup to Jesus rather than to Jane. May we each be reminded to continue nurturing our relationship with Jesus because He is the source of life.

#marriage #marriagetip #communication #Eldredge #faith #expectations #love #conflictresolution

Safe-Marriage

"Every time we choose to love, we take a step closer to God; it is like he is right there. Every time we choose something else, we take a step away. I want God, so I choose love." (Love & War by John and Stasi Eldredge p. 207).

No one said marriage would be easy. On the other hand, no one said marriage would be this discouragingly hard either. Somehow the movies, books, and fads of society never quite accurately portrayed the realities of marriage. No one ever told me how effectively marriage would bring me face-to-face with my own sin and selfishness. Or if they did I somehow missed it.

I'm not even sure where I got this from, but somehow I brought into my marriage the belief that "happiness and equilibrium was what marriage was all about." As such, conflict, feeling hurt, and speaking up was seen as destructive, and should be avoided at all costs! So I'd sequester my emotions believing conflict, or anything that rocked-the-boat was unhealthy. Expressing emotion inevitably would lead towards conflict, because no one would actually like me as I really am, and I'd expect Jane to do the same (train-wreck waiting to happen). Like I said, I don't know where it came from but back in February through the work of the Spirit and my gracious wife, this false realization was unearthed in our marriage and God has been chipping away at it. Perhaps this is when God starts chipping away at this false belief in your marriage too.

I get it. Conflict is not a popular topic in or out of marriage. Conflict is still not my favorite topic either, but at least it now serves a point in my marriage. Each difficult conversation provides me with an opportunity to risk and take a step closer to God or choose self-preservation and ultimately take a step away from him. I believe marriage is meant to draw me closer to God and to greater reflect His glory in my life to others. I'm far from perfect and I'll still have my share of times where I lean towards self-preservation over risk. However when I choose to adopt the attitude of a "conflict-free zone" I need to recognize the possibility that I'm missing something greater God has in store for me. Maybe this situation is part of the sanctification process and by saying no to the risk of conflict, I'm saying no to God? I run the risk of setting myself up as God when I make the choice to "marriage-safe" it in my relationship with my spouse. We all do.

 Firearms can be risky tools. Each firearm is equipped with a safety to prevent the firearm from discharging when it shouldn't. Marriages are also equipped with a "safety" which is, when we choose to avoid uncomfortable or tough subjects in our marriages. Living with the safety "on" in marriage however, may not always be healthy. In our marriages we're each offered the choice of living with our safeties on or our safeties off. With the safety "off" in my marriage God has been doing some deep work in my heart. For example, God has been helping me to better understand the value of and how to express healthy emotion in marriage. If I was living with the safety "on" I would have missed this lesson. I shudder to imagine going back to a place where "marriage-safe" is the norm, but if I'm not careful that attitude can easily creep back in. It's a daily choice to love Jane, not because she's difficult to love, but because of my own interest in self-preservation. Ultimately I want God, which is why I'll continue to choose to love and live with my marriage safety "off."

I can't help but wonder how marriages would look differently if others realized they're living with the marriage "safety" on? How would your marriage change for the better if the safety was turned "off" every now and again?

#marriage #marriagebuilding #conflict #hope #love #risk  

Zeigarnik Your Marriage

Technically the term zeigarnik is not a verb, but for the purposes of this post it is, and it very well should be. As some know, misusing, butchering, or coining words is one of my specialties. Hang with me on this new usage.

I first stumbled upon this word while reading a textbook by Dr. John Gottman for the Marriage Counseling graduate course I was enrolled in, and I was enthralled by what I learned about it's origin, and the current biblical application I'll make for it up-to-date as it relates to marriage. The "Zeigarnik Effect" was noted in 1922 by a psychologist name Bluma Zeigarnik in Vienna, Austria. She observed waiters who took orders for large groups of customers and then once their order was completed, the waiters promptly forgot the customer's order. The conclusion was made that the act of completing the order shifted the memory into a different part of the brain, whereas those orders which were incomplete, remained in short-term memory longer (if you're interested in reading more about the Zeigarnik effect click either here or here here).

 According to Gottman,in his book What Makes Love Last:

"We have better recall for events that we have not completed than for those we have...We are almost twice as likely to recall 'unfinished issues' compared with those we have processed or in some manner put to rest. Between lovers, arguments that end with confessions, amends, and deeper understanding of one another tend to be soon forgotten, although their legacy is a stronger, more enduring relationship. But when a sliding door moment leads to a regrettable incident that goes unaddressed, thanks to the Zeigarnik effect, the hurt remains accessible in our active memory, available to be rehashed again and again" (p. 34-35).

Reading about the Zeigarnik effect triggered my biblical worldview and I experienced an "Aha!" moment. I enjoy noting where scripture and psychology seamlessly blend together. My mind immediately went to Ephesians 4:26 (though I didn't remember the reference, only the verse) which says, "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil" (ESV). The resolution of conflicts is crucial to the overall health of a marriage, which I believe this is what this verse speaks to. Otherwise, as the Zeigarnik effect shows us, we will continue to replay and sift the argument we had with our spouse, which will neither benefit ourselves or our spouse (this could be extended out to other relationships as well). But if we come to a point of resolution and forgiveness we are able to let go and our brain "reshuffles" the memory and it is much harder to recall.

I can attest to the veracity of this truth in my own marriage. If given enough time I can recall arguments or issues I've had with my wife, but I have to retrieve them from long-term memory which is more difficult and takes longer. But if there are any active hurts, conflict or arguments they come instantly to mind! If there are any active conflicts or issues within your own marriage I daresay reading this post has most likely brought them back to the forefront of your mind. Why not take the issues that came to mind and begin to "Zeigarnik" your marriage? I'll stress the "process" nature of this principle because as we seek to implement this principle into our marriages there will be pain and we will get hurt. But I think the benefits significantly outweigh the costs, not to mention the scriptural exhortation we're given in Ephesians to practice this principle.

I'd love to hear how it went, both the good and the bad, because there will be both. Please feel free to email with questions or other thoughts as I'm also on this journey with you.

#communication, #conflictresolution, #Ephesians, #marriage, #marriagetip, #scripture

An Antidote to Fear

Hi Friends,

I’d like to give you the take-away from this post right up front. Ready? Fear steals memory but memory steals fear. Let me say that again, fear steals memory but memory steals fear.  So if you don’t remember anything else from this email remember, fear steals memory but memory steals fear.

                

For those still with me, let’s begin to unpack this a bit further. I daresay the subject of fear will never make the New York Times best-selling topic list. In fact, it’s a subject that can be just as uncomfortable and disconcerting for me as it is for you, but it’s a subject we each can identify with. Was there something that came to mind when I first mentioned the topic of fear? If not, look no further than world events, the threat of cancer, the state of the economy, or some other personal event(s). I think you get the point. As Christians, how should we approach fear? What does the Bible have to say about the subject of fear? Are there any stories of men and women in the Bible whose fear stole their memory? How did they respond?  

                

To answer that last question, let’s consider the story of Abram from Genesis 12. I’d recommend reading the whole chapter but the verse I’d like to key in on is verses two and three which says,

“And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and him who dishonors you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed” (Genesis 12:3 ESV).

Pause! Let’s consider for a moment what just happened. The God of the Universe spoke to Abram and made an incredible promise to him! I’m pretty sure Abram knew exactly who God was and that this was a big deal. I mean, this wasn’t any Joe Shmoe walking up to Abram and saying this blessing, no it was Almighty God!

This realization is cemented even further when we skip down to verse seven and Abram’s response which was, “so he built there an altar to the LORD, who had appeared to him” (Genesis 12:7 ESV). This was quite literally a “mountain top” experience for Abram and he didn’t want to forget such a significant event, so he built an altar to commemorate the occasion. My equivalent modern day practice would be to write in a journal when I feel like God has given me something special that I want to remember, lest I forget. I’ll bet we all do things to help us remember God’s faithfulness.

                

So what happens next? Skip ahead to verse eleven which says, “When he was about to enter Egypt, he said to Sarai his wife, ‘I know that you are a woman beautiful in appearance, and when the Egyptians see you, they will say, ‘This is his wife.’ Then they will kill me, but they will let you live. Say you are my sister, that it may go well with me because of you, and that my life may be spared for your sake’” (Genesis 12:11-13 ESV).

What just happened?!  Only shortly before God made a special promise to Abram. But when push came to shove and Abram was faced with the prospect of conflict, fear stole Abram’s memory. Abram panicked and forgot God’s promise and the faithfulness the promise represented.

I love how God doesn’t leave Abram hanging, even though fear stole his memory. He demonstrated his mercy to Abram in this narrative by sparing his life. In that era, if you lied to a Pharaoh, you weren’t known to have a long life-span. Yet, God wasn’t done teaching Abram.

Fast forward to Genesis 15:1 which says, “After these things the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision: ‘Fear not, Abram, I am your shield; your reward shall be very great’ (Genesis 15:1 ESV).  

Wow! Even though fear stole Abram’s memory of God’s promise, God was still faithful to Abram and he hadn’t forgotten him. God was willing to meet Abram exactly where he was and speak into both his internal and external fears (which He does with us, too).

                

I think each one of us could put ourselves in the place of Abram during this narrative and the same could just as easily have been said of us. I know when a fearful thought strikes my first inclination is not to remember God’s faithfulness. Yet this is one of the most powerful antidotes to fear: meditating on God’s faithfulness.

I can’t help but wonder how our lives would be different if fear didn’t steal our memory? I daresay we’d live with a greater measure of freedom, peace, and hope as we remembered and meditated on the faithfulness of God. You see, this is how memory steals fear.  When we remember just how much God loves us and how incredibly faithful He’s been to us, then the teeth are taken out of the fear. It holds no power. Storing memories of the faithfulness of God really does make a difference.

I wish I had a jar where I could store more and more memories of the faithfulness of God. The Bible is also full of promises which we can turn to when we need to be reminded of God’s faithfulness. The Sabbath would be a great time to sit down and make a list of how God has been faithful to you. The day itself is a reminder of his faithfulness and how much He values ceasing from daily rigors.

However you choose to spend the day, may you be blessed and encouraged by the truth that memory steals fear. My hope and prayer for each one of you is that you can put this idea into practice, and thus experience powerful life-change and freedom!
#nofear #faith #god #love