"Every time we choose to love, we take a step closer to God; it is like he is right there. Every time we choose something else, we take a step away. I want God, so I choose love." (Love & War by John and Stasi Eldredge p. 207).
No one said marriage would be easy. On the other hand, no one said marriage would be this discouragingly hard either. Somehow the movies, books, and fads of society never quite accurately portrayed the realities of marriage. No one ever told me how effectively marriage would bring me face-to-face with my own sin and selfishness. Or if they did I somehow missed it.
I'm not even sure where I got this from, but somehow I brought into my marriage the belief that "happiness and equilibrium was what marriage was all about." As such, conflict, feeling hurt, and speaking up was seen as destructive, and should be avoided at all costs! So I'd sequester my emotions believing conflict, or anything that rocked-the-boat was unhealthy. Expressing emotion inevitably would lead towards conflict, because no one would actually like me as I really am, and I'd expect Jane to do the same (train-wreck waiting to happen). Like I said, I don't know where it came from but back in February through the work of the Spirit and my gracious wife, this false realization was unearthed in our marriage and God has been chipping away at it. Perhaps this is when God starts chipping away at this false belief in your marriage too.
I get it. Conflict is not a popular topic in or out of marriage. Conflict is still not my favorite topic either, but at least it now serves a point in my marriage. Each difficult conversation provides me with an opportunity to risk and take a step closer to God or choose self-preservation and ultimately take a step away from him. I believe marriage is meant to draw me closer to God and to greater reflect His glory in my life to others. I'm far from perfect and I'll still have my share of times where I lean towards self-preservation over risk. However when I choose to adopt the attitude of a "conflict-free zone" I need to recognize the possibility that I'm missing something greater God has in store for me. Maybe this situation is part of the sanctification process and by saying no to the risk of conflict, I'm saying no to God? I run the risk of setting myself up as God when I make the choice to "marriage-safe" it in my relationship with my spouse. We all do.
Firearms can be risky tools. Each firearm is equipped with a safety to prevent the firearm from discharging when it shouldn't. Marriages are also equipped with a "safety" which is, when we choose to avoid uncomfortable or tough subjects in our marriages. Living with the safety "on" in marriage however, may not always be healthy. In our marriages we're each offered the choice of living with our safeties on or our safeties off. With the safety "off" in my marriage God has been doing some deep work in my heart. For example, God has been helping me to better understand the value of and how to express healthy emotion in marriage. If I was living with the safety "on" I would have missed this lesson. I shudder to imagine going back to a place where "marriage-safe" is the norm, but if I'm not careful that attitude can easily creep back in. It's a daily choice to love Jane, not because she's difficult to love, but because of my own interest in self-preservation. Ultimately I want God, which is why I'll continue to choose to love and live with my marriage safety "off."
I can't help but wonder how marriages would look differently if others realized they're living with the marriage "safety" on? How would your marriage change for the better if the safety was turned "off" every now and again?
#marriage #marriagebuilding #conflict #hope #love #risk
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