Oh how I should have listened better in class. My professor mentioned the name Brene Brown in a previous class, but I didn't pay any attention until he actually showed us a TED talk of hers in class. She has some amazing things to say!! Brene is a dynamic researcher who has spent a lot of time researching and looking at shame and vulnerability. Both of these topics in our society are highly unpopular and very emotionally charged, which is why these topics are so easily ignored or overlooked (I'm going to embed both of her talks below for your own benefit).She tackles them and has things to say which I can identify with and would like to expand upon with some of my own thoughts.
After listening to Brene, one can't help but consider the impact shame or vulnerability has had in your own life. When I was courting and learning to share my heart with another individual, I was acutely aware of the vulnerability this involves. I wanted a deeper connection, but the paradox of this situation is you have to put yourself out there before you can learn if it truly is safe with any individual. I would say this is the essence of what a dating/courting relationship consists of, which greatly impacts what it means to be compatible with another, and to decipher what your future relationship will look like. I have been affirmed, understood, and supported by my wife which is something I don't want to take for granted because not every one has what I have.
Shame was the recent discussion topic for one of my graduate counseling classes. In which, we were asked to debate the statement regarding the existence of positive shame and how it is used in society to create a better place. Talk about some charged atmosphere in that classroom!!! Still it was wonderful to understand, which is what Brene talks about, that shame is attached to the very core belief of the individual, whereas guilt is associated with an act that one knows to be wrong (think conscience here). One believes they are ___blank, which is where shame takes them.
Last night I watched Brene's talk about vulnerability, and I couldn't help but identify and expand on what she is saying (at least my synthesis on what she is saying). I'm going to speak using myself as the example, but I think my experience could be generalized out to others:
Sometimes I don't even realize when I'm being vulnerable, which can place a greater importance on the listening skills of the person I'm sharing with. It may be just something I feel I need to say and I don't realize the deeper implications revealed by my words. On the other hand, sometimes I realize when I'm choosing to take a risk and be vulnerable with someone else, but I'm waiting to see if they realize just how big of a risk I just took. I need to test the waters because I may think this person will react in a certain way and I need to confirm or disprove my hypothesis. When my hypothesis has been confirmed, then I'm learning what things I can feel safe sharing and what I can't with this individual. But when my hypothesis is disproved, which I think is more often than we would like to admit, then my own fears can be conquered and I've learned that sharing with this person is not as much of a risk as I would have originally thought. Whether we realize it or not, this is a large part of how deep friendships are built. We learn who is safe to take risks with and who we would not feel safe taking a risk with.
Now if we take a look at the role of the other individual in this scenario, what sort of impact can we recognize we are having? Quite honestly, if you realize listening is your greatest skill set, then you know you're having a huge impact. No, I mean really listening. Listening so you hear what the other means, not just what words they are speaking. Listening so you can better understand the depth of what this person is sharing, so you can affirm them and love them for being willing to take a risk with you. Listening so you realize the risk they are taking and you can recognize the privilege it is that you were the one chosen to take this risk with. Honestly, be wary of saying something too quickly, because you could be confirming the very thing this person wants confirmation of when they talk with you. Don't give them the opportunity to crawl back into their shell. Instead, draw them out with love and acceptance of what they are saying, and the deeper meaning behind what they are trying to say. This is why listening is such a powerful tool in our relationships. This is why in our society of loud activity we really need to learn how to listen down, rather than listen up. Turning up the music will not encourage vulnerability, but it will encourage isolation.
Be cognizant of those around you and the risks they may be taking with you which you had no clue about. Vulnerability may be present all around us, but were we really listening well enough to hear it?
www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html
www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
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